If the Academy Didn't Watch Movies...

this is how they would determine winners...

Anne Hathaway in Rachel Getting Married:Ugh, Anne Hathaway. She’s such a phony baloney. Seriously. I hate her. Stop trying to act like your just a normal girl who happens to act. “Oh, I’m just like the rest of you. It turns out my boyfriend was a liar!” No, jackass, he was a giant multimillionaire con man thief who ripped off the pope. And stop trying to sound smart in interviews. No matter how hard you try to sound like a fucking rocket science, you’re still the girl from Nanny Diaries. And we’ve seen that movie “Havoc”, where you get naked and smoke crack. Don’t pretend this gloomy piece of crap about shitting on your sister’s wedding day is your first attempt at being a “serious” actress.

Angelina Jolie in the Changeling: She plays a mother who can’t find her kid. I bet that happens a lot in real life. She has a lot of kids.

Melissa Leo in Frozen River: I have never heard of this woman. I have never heard of this movie.

Meryl Streep in Doubt:When I was a baby, my grandfather ran a candy shop on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Meryl Streep lived upstairs, and had just had her first daughter. She used to go into my Grandfather’s shop and they would compare baby pictures.

Kate Winslet in The Reader: People seem really freaked out by the fact that she plays an adult who has sex with a teenager. No one seems bothered by the fact that she’s a NAZI.

WINNER: Meryl Streep

Supporting Actress:

Amy Adams in Doubt: Amy Adams has been nominated for two Academy Awards. Let me repeat that. Amy Adams has been nominated for two Academy Awards.

Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona:Here’s a story. The night I went to see Tropic Thunder, I got on line for tickets at the theater. After about ten minutes, the guy in front of me mentioned that it was actually the line to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona, and I said “Ugh, I don’t want to see that shit!” The dude got all insulted. Well fuck you and fuck Woody Allen. He hasn’t been funny in 30 years. Annie Hall has some of the greatest lines in movie history. Since then its all shit. Also, I hate Scarlett Johannson as much as I hate Anne Hathaway. She put out an album of Tom Waitts covers. Do you want to know the only thing on the planet that’s worse than a self important actress doing an album of Tom Waitts covers? An album of Tom Waitts originals. Stop thinking your a talented actress. There are only two reasons anyone watches your movies, and you better show them on screen soon or we’re all going to lose interest. Anyway, Penelope Cruz has a fucked up nose. I think she’s ugly. I prefer Salma Hayek.

Viola Davis in Doubt: How is the entire cast of this movie nominated for awards, and yet it’s not up for Best Picture?

Taraji P. Henson in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: She plays Brad Pitt’s mom. I think she’s younger than him and also is black. God, this looks like the worst piece of crap ever. Thank god I haven’t wasted my time watching it.

Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler: I watched this movie a week ago Monday. Marisa Tomei plays a stripper, and is naked a lot. Then I watched that Obama concert Saturday on HBO and she’s standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial addressing hundreds of thousands of people at one of the most important junctures in American history. It was difficult to balance those two moments in my head.

WINNER: who gives a shit. There’s a reason they usually give this one out first. No one cares.

[scp]